Eyes...window to the soul?

I was out for the night, sitting off to the side of the dance floor watching everyone dancing close and having fun. I try not to think about my heart too much. I'm a sexy cute thing with an amazing little bit of booty, curvy fit body, with a smile and a laugh. I know it too. Not many will admit it if they do, but I don't care. I know it and I enjoy it anyway. But anyway, I watched people laughing and having fun...and I remember the time I danced with a tall handsome man. The way he made me smile and laugh, the way he'd hold me close and kiss my forehead or cheek. When he kissed me the first time, I opened my heart and I look back and see what a mistake it was. I watched the same tragic story of my love life unfold before my eyes, fully aware of it, but somehow unable to stop it. I wanted to give him everything; it was like my heart was bursting to love him, but like the first love of my life, he didn't want it in the end. He had a career to pursue, and even though I was open to going with him, anywhere, that didn't seem like enough.
Now I no longer saw the couples on the floor, but in my minds eye I was watching us. I was aware of the way my friends were angry at him because they could see how much I cared about him. When he showed up, everything in my world suddenly would orbit around him. But he wanted to just be friends with benefits sort of thing...although he didn't make that clear to begin with.
Suddenly I didn't see him and I any more on that dance floor. My mind went back to my very first dance. My first love. He taught me to dance, to play the guitar, and helped me find my shattered courage. Sometime I'll write about my different difficult childhood. I have many good memories, but many terrible ones that I wish with all my heart I could change. I accept them, however and go on with life knowing that those past things are what shaped and made me who I am today.
I clearly remember my very first kiss. I was saying goodbye and goodnight one summer night to my first love and out of the blue I asked him when he was going to kiss me. I remember the shocked look on his face and how surprised he was. He didn't do it right away, but let it go for a while and we went over to his car parked in my gravel driveway. We talked for a while longer and I wondered if I had crossed a line of no return. Well I had. He was sitting on the hood of his car and he pulled me in gently and gave me a soft kiss. He did manage to surprise me after all and only the stars and the crickets witnessed it. But he wanted to pursue a career in the Airforce and was anticipating being deployed and stationed over in Japan. I didn't care. I loved him and would have gone anywhere in the world with him at that time. Not good enough and there came the day that I moved out of state. He helped me move and I cared even more. There was a point when I realized that my heart was breaking every day. It hurt worse than hell that we were apart. Eventually I told him that we couldn't be friends anymore, I loved him too much. I had to delete him from my life as best as I could to get over him and it was very, very hard. But I suceeded.
Since those two, I've had so many guys almost fighting over me, jealous of each other but few willing to make a move outside of the bedroom and even fewer that I would get anywhere to close to.
And then there she was. Out of the blue she was smiling up at me and I was brought back to the present. She was a little shorter than me, and I'm pretty petite myself. When I looked into her eyes I felt pretty strange. She shyly offered the drink she'd bought me. And I brought her in for a hug. But it was the way she looked at me that went straight to my heart. I don't usually dance with girls, but I asked her to the dance floor and we danced and laughed. She had a hand on my hip and I couldn't get mine off her waist. In the middle of a song, she looked at me and said that she was going to kiss me. Yeah, I kissed a girl for the first time in my life and it wasn't the last time. She was so beautiful and sweet. We stuck like glue together until she had to leave. But I have a feeling it won't be the last.
I was raised that anything outside of heterosexual is evil and wicked. But I can't explain what happened last night. I've always been very straight. But this is something different. Perhaps I am bi and just hadn't ever met the right girl. <3

"Hay Days" n "Real Work"

So I'm sitting in my room, it's dark, and the only light is from my laptop screen. Who am I? Just another person in the billions that live on this floating chunk of dirt we call earth. Who am I really? That's a question I've been searching on, and am still finding answers.

I tend to be a pretty honest and upfront person...I dislike games and drama, but life seems to be chock full of just that.

So the jist of me: 25 year old Christian college student who is artist, musically talented, and passionate about anything and everything to do with dance. I grew up on a farm in the Midwest and then moved south to the "big" city.

Today I was chatting with a friend and we somehow got on the topic of "hay days", in a very literal sense of those two words, and it sent me into a long and wonderful reminise of those days...and this is just what I want to write about tonight.

On my parent's farm we had some hay ground on the main homestead, but we also had a seperate piece of ground, about 40 acres just for growing hay, a bit over an hour's drive away. It was a fine piece of land and sometimes yeilded up to 1,800 square bales a cutting. That's a lot of hay, by the way! It usually took around a week to get it all cut, raked, baled, picked up off the field, moved from hay ground to homestead, and then on up into the loft. Every single time was always an adventure, whether it was a race against a storm and rain, or keeping all the equipment running to being shorthanded on the baling crew. And somehow, that pasture was always best and ready for baling on some of the very hottest of days in summer. We would hire a crew of about 4-6 men and then there were about 6 of us. Most of the time, I landed a job stacking the bales on the hay rack as the men threw them up from off the pasture. Would stack those racks around 7 high sometimes.Or else, I worked in the loft, darting, crawling, scrabbling around those hay stacks as the men would throw the bales in and stack them, and right after I'd be there, salting them. Yup, just literally putting a handful or two of salt on the top of the bales to help keep them from molding. It was sweaty hot hard work, but the smell of fresh sweet hay was about intoxicating, the friendships we made between crew members and the wonderful feeling of having accomplished a lot at the end of the day as well as sleeping like a baby are certainly memories for a lifetime.

I will write more about haying on another post, but hay season was certainly one of the best times on the farm, not the very best, but one of the best. I say that because there are somethings in life that cannot be compared to others and are just as equally good in their own ways. But I'll finish of this post with a pic of one of our hay fields and a poem I wrote several years ago about "hay days".

It's Real Work

Here they come, flyin' thro' the door

And on they're rolled across the floor.

Hefted up and then stacked high

Towards the roof, towards blue sky.

May a breeze blow! Drippin' wet,

Muscles ripple, drenched in sweat.

It's real work at its very best.

The feelin's so good - endurance in test.

Excitement's always just round the bend

Not a problem, but an adventure to send

Us all the more fun-just do it with love 

Just watch for blessings from God above.

Walkin' on air, just covered in dust

The end's just ahead, so keep movin' - you must!

The moon'll peek if the sunlight fails;

Almost there - keep throwin' em bales!

Hello to the Blogging World

The purpose of this blog isn't to accumulate a lot of readers or followers...it's to provide an outlet for my interest in writing, and a way for me to let go of the past, enjoy the sweet, and get through the bitter.
If you enjoy reading what I write and the pictures I post, all the better. Some will be of the present, and some of the past. I grew up on a farm and am currently just a country girl discovering her passions in life, exploring cities, the world around me, and climbing to new heights....just finding myself!
Hello to all of you, I'm Shay. <3

Mt Scott...holding the moon for a moment in time.